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Congratulations, Humans, You Messed Up the Best Planet in the Cosmos
By Zoltar Spandoofian of Intergalactic Federation of Peace or Die
The oil killing the Gulf ecosystem in America's version of Chernobyl provides a perfect opportunity to reflect on the utter stupidity of the human race. As you humans ran around chasing the money dragon, burning mountain tops, burning the blood of the planet to feed your habit, the rest of the cosmos wept. The headline in the Intergalactic Times put it best: "Scientific Hubris Kills Best Planet in Universe" Article Screener -- HALT! Do not attempt to reject this article. Though written in a facetious tone, it conveys a point so poignant that it could very well save your planet from destruction! The point is this: You are squandering a gift so great that your little minds can't even comprehend the odds of getting such a gift. This makes winning the lottery look like picking a penny up out of the gutter. The odds against a planet supporting such a mind-bogglingly diverse array of life are almost infinite-to-one. Not only were you lucky enough to be born into such a wealth of biodiversity, you were born with enough consciousness to fully appreciate it. Unfortunately, you took this gift for granted. You exploited it. You became the lotto winner who squanders their winnings in Vegas casinos instead of the one who builds schools and heals sick children. Shame on you! Fortunately, there is still time for you, humans. Stop being idiots. Start taking care of the Earth that sustains you. Turn off the computer and go plant a tree. Do this now or you will die, which would not be a great loss except that you are bringing the rest of the planet down with you.
Zoltar Spandoofian has traveled throughout the Milky Way and beyond in search of a planet as beautiful and teeming with life as Earth. He has not found it and laments the death of our planet.
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